It's Been a While

Wow, it has been a long time since I updated this blog. Below is most of a note describing what life has been for me the last few months. I am sorry I have been such a stranger but hope to post pictures from some of the events of this semester. This is a long post so bear with me!

This summer I was offered a job teaching at Pulaski County High School. I was so thrilled to finally have a full-time job as were my family and friends. So thrilled that I failed to actually consider what I was facing starting in September. My summer was amazing. I moved into my new apartment and had a blast hanging out with my roommates and playing games every night. We also played soccer three times a week. I was only taking one class. Life was good and my faith was strong. I was like Peter, seeing Jesus walking on water. I was out of the boat and confidently walking towards him.

My first day at Pulaski was actually terrific. The teachers in the math department were so friendly and helpful. I enjoyed the fellowship and was excited to be working with such caring professionals. That night I called home ecstatic, telling my parents how pumped I was about my job. That was the last time my parents heard enthusiasm on the other end of the phone for two months.

As a substitute teacher I always felt comfortable in front of the classroom. I knew how to get my students attention but also joke around with them. I am not sure I will ever know the reason, but the minute I stepped into my class at Pulaski and faced those students, I was terrified. I lost the control, and with it the respect, of my students that first week. All of the sudden anxiety was overwhelming me each morning. I dreaded waking up and actually set my alarm for the middle of the night in an attempt to prolong the time before morning. When I arrived at school I was unable to communicate with anyone. I shared from time to time that I was struggling, and the rest of the teachers tried their best to help me and encourage me. Unfortunately, I was unwilling to accept their advice and believe their assertions that I was doing fine for a first year teacher. I became so discouraged that I no longer thought it was possible to regain control and succeed as a teacher.

Even when discipline was not a problem (in my Algebra II class) I struggled with bringing the material down to their level and was more disorganized than I have ever been in my life (and that is saying something!). I was completely overwhelmed. No matter how many times the administration told me I was doing great, I could not convince myself. When I got home each day, I fell into a depression and lay on the couch all evening. Lesson plans were done in haste and with little motivation. I had never felt this low before. I began to beat myself up, wondering how I could be so stupid to pursue teaching when I had an engineering degree. I began to doubt my calling and my direction. I was so confused. Thankfully, God is never confused and is always in control.

So what happened to that faith which was so strong over the summer? Well, when adversity came my way, I became again like Peter, though this time I was sinking. I began to doubt God's ability to bring me through my circumstances. I could barely find the energy to pray and reading the Bible was nothing more than a formality whenever I attempted it. There was a theme that developed in listening to the advice of others: trust God. My family told me that I had to believe God was going to do something great through this. I was shown scripture from James 1:5-7 which states "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." I was praying to God to help me, yet had no faith that He actually could. I wanted Him to make the pain all go away without any effort on my part. How absurd a thought when I look back!

I would love to be able to say that things got better and I conquered my fears and doubts in route to successfully teaching my students the material and cultivating meaningful relationships with them. The truth is I resigned from Pulaski about a month ago. I was blessed to have an administration that was in full support of me and respected my decision. It was a big hit to my pride to have quit something. I did not want to tell anyone, and still have not told many since some of you may be hearing this news for the first time. The great news is that God has worked through this situation in amazing ways. When Peter began to sink as the winds came, he cried out for help. Hearing Peter's plea, Jesus immediately extended his hand and helped him up. He then asked Peter, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" Jesus has been asking me this question as I have reflected on the teaching experience. I really have no answer for Him. I suppose I have relied on my own strength way too much. I have certainly learned a lesson of humility.

Like in Peter's case, Jesus has extended His hand to me and helped me out of my trouble. After resigning, I was without a job or a direction and was blindly sending resumes wherever I could. All I wanted was to get out of the house and do something productive! I was so blessed to get a call from the director of the Huntington Learning Center in Roanoke in response to a tutoring job posting. She scheduled me for an interview and I later found out that it was not an interview to be a tutor but instead to train to be her next assistant director. That blew my mind! Actually it is still blowing my mind at this moment. That God would be so faithful, even when I have not been, is an act of grace and mercy that only He could perform. I am really enjoying the job so far! It is a nice combination of working with kids and doing analytical work such as making spreadsheets and schedules for the tutors. For now it is a part-time job but my boss is hopeful it will become full time once their enrollment increases next semester. I don't necessarily think this job is my long term future, but it is a great stepping stone towards finding what I have a passion for and enjoy doing. The point is that through this horrible situation I was in, God was still there, loving me more than I can ever understand. Know this: God will never abandon you no matter how many times you abandon Him! He is like the father of the prodigal son and will welcome you back into his arms with great joy and celebration.

My goal is to build a much stronger foundation in Christ so that I will be able to stand up to temptation and adversity when it comes. My roommate Barry often points out how we are to share in the sufferings of Christ. The disciples were consistently beaten for their faith in Jesus and yet they still had more joy than anyone around them. Sometimes I need to be reminded that suffering and adversity are not all bad and can be used by God for His glory and our maturation. I can't comprehend why God loves me, a sinner, so much. Though I know I will fall down again many more times, I also know I can get back up without shame and keep fighting the fight and running the race. Praise God!

Thank you all for your prayers and support. If you ever encouraged me and I did not seem to appreciate it, I am sorry. Your encouragement meant the world to me and it reinforced why I think I have the best friends and family in the world. If you tried to call me to give advice, offer encouragement, or simply to catch up, and I was either non-responsive or did not call back, I am so sorry! I am currently in the process of reconnecting with everyone and hope to talk with you soon. Thank you for being such great friends to me, even when I didn't deserve it. I thank God everyday for the people He has carefully placed in my life. I love you guys and look forward to many more years of friendship!

Hopefully I will be more consistent on the blogging front and keep y'all updated on how the job is going. Thanks for your prayers and support!